I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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