I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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