worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
