just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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