I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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