Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
