life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
