Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
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It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
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I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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