How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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