like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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