I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
