yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
