Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
