shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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