I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
