Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize