She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
