I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
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She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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