Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
