Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
