I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
