just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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