i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
