You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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