If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
