everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
