I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
