My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
worst night to have a conscience
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
