so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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