I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
