god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
