I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
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I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
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Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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