he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
