yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
