Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
