He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
