wanna go halves on a baby?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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