I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
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