Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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