what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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