i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
