I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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