It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
