He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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