my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
