Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
