I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives