Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
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I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
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Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's