Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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