How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
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we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
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She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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