Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
