She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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