If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
