oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
