You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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