If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
