she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
COCAINE IS GR8
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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