Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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