just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
