Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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