Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
