i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
