Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
