she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
