If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
