My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
and you fell through a lawn chair
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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