Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
