I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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