I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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