I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
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the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
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They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.