you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
